lazyday's picture

Run for the Hills

Hi there,

I am encouraging any childless step people that want to meet childless single people to leave this situation. Step parenting causes huge psychological damage to especially the childless step parent. This is Freuds scientific study!!!!

Please do not listen to anyone that tells you to accept that situation!! You know in your heart of hearts that it is against human nature. Just be honest with yourself.

I left a step mother situation because I was broken in two with the psycholigical conflict in my mind. I had to go to therapy for two years after it.

I am suggesting that we make a huge meet up of the people that want out! We are all having the piss taken out of us. What do you think? I have more than any of these woman can offer you. Any men want out? Please contact me.

lazyday.

lazyday's picture

Any childless step fathers

Any childless step fathers want out? You can meet me. I have loads of lovely single friends too.

Why would you not try to meet someone that does not have all that child conflict surrounding them?

lazyday

ldvilen's picture

Although I think your advice

Although I think your advice is a little strong, as a childless SP, I have to admit that there are a couple of issues that tick me off to no end.

I always say America accepts divorce but not SPs. Somewhat exaggerating here, but you can get divorced pretty much for any reason. The family is split apart, and issues are bound to come from this. The ideal is that there should be no noticeable difference between daddy living in one house and mommy living in another house. They are supposed to co-parent and everything is going to be hunky-dory. What about 80% of the people forget is just like war is hell, divorce is hell too, and there really is no way to pretend nothing has changed. The key is to move on and not to pretend that nothing ever happened. And, what if BM or bio-dad remarries!? Well, according to many, that is not supposed to matter at all! The SP is supposed to just sit back and mind their place and let the bio-parents go about their business as if nothing happened, and let SKs go about their business. Meanwhile, the SP is supposed to have no say in how his or her OWN marriage or household is ran. What a major bunch of BS, is all I can say. My DH is a parent, yes, but he is not still connected at the hip to BM. They are parents, but they are not a couple. THEY gave up the right to be a couple when they divorced. That was their decision.

And, then SM gets slammed all the time for acting like a mom. Really!? These kids are supposed to come to her home and she is supposed to sit on her hands and do nada. Then, if she so much as cooks a meal for her DH and his kids, she is some kind of wipe for trying to act like a mom. Interesting, tho. You rarely see BM getting slammed for acting like a wife to DH. BM can make all sorts of arrangements including DH without his permission or DH's wife permission, and DH is just expected to go along with whatever script has been written for him because BM is the mother to his children. And, believe me, usually that script excludes SM to the max. So, me--I'll do whatever works for my situation everyone else be damned, I am married to my DH, and I am his wife. No other woman is going to be running around playing wife with my husband.

Then, you get these people who think that SPs are supposed to accept a sloppy-seconds type marriage. This can even include other SPs. The thought is that you only act like a married couple pretty much only in the bedroom. Everything else, your side vs. his side, is to be separated out 50:50 or such. In my mind, this is not a marriage. This is a business arrangement, and if you want that kind of marriage, fine, but don't expect every SP to want or have such. AND, foremost, what about spouses who have no children and are getting married for the first time to someone who is divorced with children? Really. They are supposed to magically know that they have just settled for a sloppy seconds marriage or just signed on to always being last because they have no children of their own and DH, SKs and BM come first!? No way in H-. Marriage = marriage. Doesn't matter if it is first, second+ marriage. Every marriage deserves the respect that SHOULD come with it.

ETA: SPs matter and have feelings too. It is absolutely astounding how many people forget that. So, when I attend an event with my husband, I expect to be seated with my spouse, just like any other married couple would expect--to be seated with their spouse. I do not, under any circumstances, expect to see my husband seated with some other woman, period, sans my permission. You do that, and you deserve whatever hell, fury and angst may come your way. If I'm not going to have any children, and I have to (at least to some degree) take care of someone else's children, then the least I'm going to get out of life is a husband and a marriage, and not a sloppy seconds, business-type arrangement. You try to shove "ha-ha, your marriage doesn't matter and you come last" in my face, and you can go to . . . .

Best thing for step-mom to do at weddings--either go looking like Sofía Vergara in a red dress and play the flaming 2nd wife to the max., or avoid the whole thing and plan a spa day with friends, people who actually care about you.

Peanut575's picture

AMEN to this!!! I've had my

AMEN to this!!! I've had my own friends - who have never met BM or even my SS's, nor are they SM's themselves - tell me that I just had to accept everything that came my way and be understanding of BM's unreasonable & crazy behavior, because it must be 'so hard for her'.

Uhhhh whaaat?? You think being an SM is a walk in the park?? People forget that SPs are actually still people, with real feelings, whose needs actually do still matter. Being an SP does *not* mean you have to just 'shut up and put up', and BM does *not* get to call the shots all the time just cause she gave birth to a couple kids.

I've also had people say to my DH, 'you're going to have *more* kids??' Ummm yep, he is! I made it clear when we got serious that not having my own kids was a deal breaker for me and he chose to marry me anyways. Why should I have to let go of my dream of being a mum just b/c I'm not the first wife? Makes me laugh really Evil

mapitout's picture

"Then, you get these people

"Then, you get these people who think that SPs are supposed to accept a sloppy-seconds type marriage." <<<<<<< Astute observation. I encourage any one considering marrying anyone with children to not just ask a lot of questions, but observe the dynamics many times before tying the knot, or noose, as it may be, that includes adult step children-to-be, too! It's easy for the glaze of love to gloss over what may become real issues within the new marriage. Also, ask the tough questions, ask DH or DW how they will respond when certain situations arise, are they gonna throw you under the bus or are they gonna state clearly what is what and be clear with their spawn. It's real people!

"I always say America accepts divorce but not SPs." <<<<<<< astute observation.

P.S.: I'm disengaged from the skids, but not from DH, I'll be damned if they will ruin my marriage with the man that I love! They can go F--k themselves! They have grossly underestimated me if they think I will go away quietly, they clearly don't know what I'm made of when push comes to shove!

lazyday's picture

I seriously think that I will

I seriously think that I will organise a group of childless step parents in order to meet each other and stop accepting this rediculous situation. I was dragged into that mess many years ago and got out after 5 years of trying. I am now single and suspect all the available men are doing this step parent shit.

I am sure I could create a mass exodus if someone actually advertised a huge meet up for people that are really single and available. You are not a step parent you are single and available. The man woman with kids are burdened not you.

You can all walk! I will give you a place to walj too. The chance to meet up with people that have been in this and want a normal family home.

Men are being taken to raise children that are not theirs. There are woman available. I am a very good catch and 100 percent better than anything these woman can offer.

Anne

Acratopotes's picture

years ago we had such a

years ago we had such a group,,,,,, single parents group.

And no if you where divorced and got maintenance, or lived with some one you did not qualify to be part of the club.
single parent is single parent..... it was a very nice bunch of people lol, and there was 3 single daddies (not married youngsters, who's girlfriends left the hospital without the baby and never made contact again)

Funny most of us are still in touch and decided out single parent club name should change, cause the kids are all adults

Blended family life turned me into a pirate....
All I want to do is drink Rum and stab people

lazyday's picture

My main aim is to get all you

My main aim is to get all you lot out of this and bring you together so you can meet each other. You are a childless step parent by force. You can be a real parent in a happy home. Why are we so afraid to try to find better?

lazyday's picture

I know that most acailable

I know that most acailable men are sitting in these situations. How do we get them out? That step parent think destroyed my life and I am not going to lie down and let it.

How can a woman love a man that puts her last. He does not love her! He is using her.

She is last last and last. emergency happened when my ex had to go back to another country to rescue his kids. I did not have a parner. I had someone that belonged to another family by law. The law courts can take a father back at the drop of a hat.

You are not a parner you are a doormat.

They can all go fuck themselves.

baggagecarousel909's picture

I totally agree with you

I totally agree with you lazyday... I would love to organise a meet up for CHILDLESS singles... Im In australia though so Im guessing most people on here are from the U.S

We deserve better. Im starting to realise that things will never improve, so why would I CHOOSE to be with someone who has an adult daughter who will make my life a living hell?

We can choose. We are not blood bound. THEY are blood bound to their spawn, so its their problem. Not mine.

And yes, they can all go fuck themselves.

ldvilen's picture

I know it has been tough for

I know it has been tough for you, lazyday. It is hard for many SPs when they realize that their spouse is basically still "owned" by some other man or woman (even years after the divorce), and that most societies as a whole have no problem endorsing or even promoting this concept.

My advice: Get it out of your system, and then move on, as hard as that may be. And, remember, you don't need a man to make you happy. Some of us have worked things out to a degree with our situations, some of us have not, and some of us are still struggling. Regardless, try to create your own happiness and do what you enjoy and, in your case, enjoy your rediscovered freedom.

P.S. There is a Bio Child Free Zone forum category on StepTalk.org too. The category is for SPs that are SPs, but have no children of their own.

Best thing for step-mom to do at weddings--either go looking like Sofía Vergara in a red dress and play the flaming 2nd wife to the max., or avoid the whole thing and plan a spa day with friends, people who actually care about you.

somethingwicked's picture

lazyday you seem to have been

lazyday you seem to have been inspired by your horrible experience as a step mother to start a match making experience for step parents who are done.
I think you should take your verve and high spirited hopes to rescue other like minded steps and start a dating web site!
Why not?
Sounds like a great idea to me ! Smiling

lazyday's picture

Yes, I love this idea. lets

Yes,

I love this idea. lets take back available people from that horrible situation. I think a meet up group is the best form of immediate realisation. Once you give people in that situation a chance to meet others. They will get out in their droves.
It just has to be advertised properly. You give people that chance to meet other childless step parents. You then have a recipe to create some happy family homes! I am so angry about how society made me think there was something wrong with me for being absolutely driven mad by that situation!

I am going to highlight the mental illness that is created by being put into a step parent situation.!!! I became incredibly ill with all the stuff. It is not something that society should be allowed to promote as normal!!!

It is time to take this shit down!

Lazyday

StepUltimate's picture

LazyDay, love your "making

LazyDay, love your "making lemonaid!" positive plan of action to use your experience for good!